A Day In The Life…

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.

10:15AM - 34 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

A package arrives for Mr. Mike Brown to 1 Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202. It’s a Netflix envelope. Millions of desperate fans now realize where money for a premier scouting department goes. The flick? Invincible starring Mark Wahlberg as Philadelphia Eagle “walk-on” Vince Papale.

12:00PM - 32 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Credits are rolling for Invincible…

Mike Brown: “Brilliant! Get me Papale’s agent. If a guy with such gusto can walk-on for Coach Vermeil in Philadelphia we need to make a move for him by tomorrow night’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at 8:15PM exclusively on the NFL Network!”

Apparently Mr. Brown has resorted to product placement advertisement even within his own Front Office. NFL Network pays him $1,000 for every mention. Proceeds go to his daughter’s extensive wardrobe of man-clothes:

Mike Brown: “If their quarterback is dumb enough to not know that there are ties in the NFL we should have no problem trading David Pollack for Vince Papale straight up. Hell, even I knew there are ties and I don’t know a damn thing about football. I will say, however, that I’ve been managing for ties my entire career because it is like I’ve always said, a tie is better than anything else!”

1:15PM - 31 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

At his daily press conference Marvin Lewis explains his team’s recent struggles.

Marvin Lewis: “Has anybody seen the movie Major League? Mr. Brown let me borrow it off of his Netflix queue, he’s a big Charlie Sheen fan. God, I love Netflix. Anyways, the movie inspired what I thought would be one of my more brilliant coaching strategies for the start of this season. I have always gotten my best coaching schemes from Hollywood, it is why I have a robust .483 professional winning percentage. This strategy has only failed me once, apparently you can’t get angels in the endzone. I thought it was worth a shot. Anyways, about this year. So after watching Major League I decided to install a cardboard stand-up of Katie Blackburn in the locker-room and I told the guys that every time we won a game I would peel off an article of clothing…just like in Major League. Obviously this hasn’t gone over too well…we’re 1-8-1; it seems most of the team would rather the cardboard Blackburn keep her clothes on. Carson actually vomited. So that one is on me, I take full responsibility.”

4:00PM - 28 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Vince Papale, now 62 years old and ravaged by dementia, reports to Bengals Compound confused and slightly intoxicated. Mike Brown has never been more excited by a league-minimum signing.

In the meantime, Fifth-Third Bank has frozen Mr. Brown’s account and put a hold on Papale’s paycheck. Even the seemingly-yet-not-admittedly gay bank teller thinks that the acquisition must be some kind of joke and that someone must have stolen a book of checks from Bengals Compound and forged Mr. Brown’s signature. Many Bengals fans are left to wonder why a similar observation hasn’t occurred sooner.

6:30PM - 25 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Team dinner is promptly served by recently signed lineman/linecook Digger Bujnoch and his family’s catering business, Booj’s. Mike Brown is as giddy as as school girl over the ability to get two services out of Bujnoch for the price of one and begins wondering if Chris Henry would be interested in selling Dippin’ Dots in the stands during defensive drives.

Patting himself on the back for another cost-cutting maneuver done well and unable to dine thanks to a potent case of irritable bowel syndrome, Mr. Brown retires to his quarters with a bottle of Metamucil and the latest Clay Aiken CD. The team leaves town for Pittsburgh shortly thereafter.

Thursday, November 20, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.

6:30AM - 13 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Feeling refreshed and rested from the night’s sleep, Mr. Brown settles in his office for his morning coffee while Akili Smith massages BENGAY in to his boss’ aching and aging muscles. Reading the regional newspapers each morning with a cup of joe is always a treat for Mikey; it allows him to revisit each and everyday how well-received he is as team owner in the Cincinnati area.

10:00AM - 10 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

A virtual off-day for the Front Office with the team en route to Pittsburgh, Mr. Brown begins the search for more bargain-basement players to pad his lineup and his resume. It takes little time for a scavenger of Brown’s caliber to realize that Philadelphia has more to offer than just a walk-on wide receiver.

Mike Brown: “I want the ‘garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenon’ and I want him now! If the Eagles were dumb enough to give up Papale for pennies on the dollar, Barney Gorman should be virtually free. I’ll see to it that the league’s most accurate active kicker Shayne Graham never boots another field goal for this team the rest of his career! (shouting to son Paul) Tell ‘em will give ‘em Odell Thurman and a tub of Bujnoch’s cole slaw! (snickering)”

1:45PM - 6 hours, 30 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Katie Blackburn begins to salivate after watching the “Palumalu Island” promo for the 17th consecutive time while relaxing on her bed.

Katie Blackburn: “God a Troy Palumalu is sooo much sexier than a Troy Blackburn with that flowing Samoan hair. I can’t wait for the Steelers to make the playoffs this year. I know who I’m rooting for: The Pittsburgh Steelers. The one time I root for the teams in our division is when they are in the playoffs. Did I mention how dreamy Troy Palumalu is? I picked the wrong Troy.”

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, upon receiving a provocative text message from Bengals Executive Vice President Katie Blackburn, Troy Palumalu vomits a little bit in his mouth.

5:15PM - 3 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

Marvin Lewis address his team before heading out to complete walk-throughs, warm-ups, and pregame ceremonies.

Marvin Lewis: “Ask not what your team can do for you; ask what you can do for your team. I have a dream that tonight this team will rise up and live out the true meaning of being a Cincinnati Bengal. And after the fight has ended, I hope to stand before you as your leader and declare one thing: Mission Accomplished. Gentlemen I want you to remember one thing tonight: a victory is one small step for this season, but one giant leap for seasons to come. So go out there and give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper because blessed are the victors; for they shall inherit the Division. Amen.”

7:00PM - 1 hour, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Mr. Brown declined to travel for a Thursday night game in chilly Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and with pregame coverage commencing, he decides instead to sit down with his latest Netflix arrival. There will be no tuning in to tonight’s contest between his Bengals and the hated Steelers because even Mike Brown is too cheap to pay for the NFL Network.

(Ed.’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Hustle for some inspiration for this complete waste of your time.)

SEC Rankings - The Return

After returning home from the Big Easy on November 14th and witnessing history on the following day, I’m back again to present you the SEC Rankings for the week of November 16th.

1. Alabama (Auburn is looking to make a case on Thanksgiving Saturday to make a Bowl and seven in a row against the Tide. Problem is, this Tide squad is pretty damn good.)

2. Florida (Another SEC East title and a chance to head to the BCS when the SEC Championship Game takes place on December 6th. Florida has a cupcake and a team fighting for position in the ACC remaining on their schedule.)

3. LSU (Last year I asked Crichton graduate Grace Walker for grace when Mizzou played the Kansas Gayhawks Thanksgiving Saturday. Apparently that same grace Grace Walker brought that Saturday in Kansas City came to Baton Rouge when LSU made their historic comeback against Troy.)

4. Georgia (Narrow win against Auburn puts Dawgs in position for a chance to head to the Chik-Fil-A Bowl. Chances are, if they lose to Georgia Tech, then the Liberty Bowl will come calling. But I disgress.)

5. Ole Miss (Houston Nutt has done more with Coach O’s players than Coach O did with Coach O’s players)

6. Vanderbilt (A 26-year wait has ended in the West End. A win over Tennessee would make the 2008 Vanderbilt football season even sweeter.)

7. South Carolina (A woodshed beating was not a way to welcome Steve Spurrier back to Gainesville.)

8. Kentucky (It’s OK, UK fans, at least you guys are going to a Bowl game just like Vanderbilt.)

9. Auburn (Iron Bowl game should be a motivating factor with the Plainsmen. I mean, it’s against the #1 team in the country.)

10. Arkansas (Sense of urgency is needed for Hogs if they want to go to a Bowl game. They can start with a victory over Mississippi State.)

11. Tennessee (This week Crichton SGA President Mequitta Williams took a tour of the Knoxville campus with the Grim Reaper. Apparently, the Grim Reaper killed the Vols’ season long before they got there.)

12. Mississippi State (Didn’t this team go to a Bowl last year?)

My time’s up. Don’t forget, you can read more of my musings at my personal blog, “The Kid In The Press Box” at http://thepressboxkid.wordpress.com

At Least I Still Have The Bengals…Right?

Last night’s Kentucky at North Carolina basketball game:

(Dramatization.)

“The Debacle in the Dean Dome.” That’s what they’re calling it.

And by they I mean me.

Kentucky narrowly escaped a mere single-digit loss thanks to 28 turnovers to start the 2008-2009 campaign 0-2 for only the third time in the program’s storied history. North Carolina now sits just 14 wins shy of Kentucky’s all-time mark — the one record Wildcat fans have grabbed at straws with as the glory has faded from this once-dominant regime. A 19-point Tar Heel victory kicked off ESPN’s college basketball coverage with the #1 team in the Nation’s two best players idly watching from the bench as if to say, “the team doesn’t need us for these has-beens.”

I woke up this morning — much like ZRO did post-VMI embarrassment — hoping it was all a bad dream. That the visions of that rat Roy Williams applauding gleefully from the sidelines and Dickie V.’s 18 Duke/Coach K. references were all merely nightmares within the depths of my slumber.

A nightmare it may have been but oh-so-real it was.

I immediately headed for the showers, hoping to wash away the stank of losing and searching for a single glimmer of hope in the coming weeks — and unfortunately it’s not Longwood (that’s what she said) at home next Tuesday.

In fact, as I stepped out of the shower it dawned on me: at least I still have the Bengals…right?

My much maligned band of nobodies is on a three week non-losing streak. Something that cannot be said about the basketball OR football Wildcats.

Cincy completely bamboozled the Eagles on Sunday, snatching a tie from the jaws of victory after tricking Donovan McNabb in to believing that there were no ties in the NFL, that the next step would be penalty kicks.

Only the Bengals could provide such heart-warming tales like the acquisition of lineman Digger Bujnoch, literally signed out of the West Side of Cincinnati after no other NFL team would have him. A man who once earned a paycheck delivering Salisbury steaks to Mike Brown while working for his parents’ catering company, Booj’s, is now suiting up for the orange and black attack (I can’t make this stuff up).

And it is fitting this holiday season that the Bengals are now staffed primarily by players left behind by teams that lack the foresight of Cincy’s front office as Mike Brown’s heart has grown three sizes this season. The Digger Bujnochs, the Chris Crockers (surprisingly not this Chris Crocker), and even the Cedric Bensons are our very own Island of Misfit Toys a la the Christmas classic Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.

While I agonize in the state of my basketball Wildcats I still have these Bengals…my Bengals.

No other team could provide the emotional roller coaster ride or the laughs as the Bengals can. No other team could tug at the spirit with stories of sacrifice and redemption…for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times. And no other team’s best player has gradually grown to resemble Little Richard since his arrival:

So when you’re gathered around the dinner table next week with your families for Thanksgiving, remember what you DO have (Chris Henry and Mike Brown) instead of what you DON’T have (a winning record after two games, ball security, a viable option at point guard, or a sober head coach) because, hey, at least we’re not Louisville fans:

“Lewisveele!”

That Was Depressing

If you had 23rd Turnover in the “When would MJ turn off the Kentucky game to do laundry for tomorrow?” Pool, please step forward to claim your prize.

Winner receives a coupon redeemable for one date-night with Charlie Hustle to the Spearmint Rhino…which is certainly more exciting than watching Kentucky basketball…

UK-VMI- The View From Section 217

Whether you have heard about it, saw it, or lived through it, Friday night’s loss to VMI was definitely a turd brown stain on the checked blue and white Kentucky jersey. I’m not going to wax poetic about the intricacies of coaching college basketball, because I am not an expert on the subject, nor am I going to lament about the final score. There are many other sports blogs that will ponder over that for this week and I want to be original, so this is all about the things that did not translate to TV. My friend obtained 2 tickets for the game and we went along, talking about SEC sports of all types. These are just random observations in no particular order of importance:

- Downtown Lexington will always be one of the greatest areas in all of college basketball to be at before a game. The waves of blue clad people are endless and always expanding as you walk along.

-Point of discussion and my opinion on it: There is no way that the SEC could ever serve alcohol at games. People get crazy enough at them already. Did you see a Bama fan killed two LSU fans? And that wasn’t even at a game. AND they had won!

- Going in as alumni rather than students is clearly better. You get to walk into a nice, decorated lobby and feel the heaters. Student entrance looks and feels more like prisoner transfer.

- I don’t care how many times I’ve done it, as soon as I turn a corner and see Rupp arena, it takes my breath away. The place is a goddamn cathedral of basketball.

- Patrick Patterson is a spectacle to see. You can read all the hype in the papers and internet but seeing that guy in person is impressive. He is jacked,and he is huge. With the ultra tight jersey, clown parachute pants, and the ‘fro, he looks like he just stepped out of Thunderdome. He should have a bandanna and ultimate warrior arm bands. We should work on a nickname with that.

- Pre-game warmups filled me with apprehension about this game. VMI was energetic, precise, and most importantly, relaxed. They looked ready, and that was my first tip-off of the coming storm.

- After the first couple three’s dropped in without so much as a clank of the rim, no one has really reacted, just sitting back and analyzing play. UK fans are interesting in this respect; they are rabid, undoubtedly, but only because they have researched the line-up like panty lines in a Victoria’s Secret catalog. We know the in and outs of the players, and a redneck behind me lets me know how “them boys looked in open practices”. It’s creepy how a 43 year old man is completely comfortable sharing his intimate knowledge of 15 18-23 year old men.

- More three’s are falling. It’s so quiet the shoe squeaks echo.

- Something I learned from the game: Man press will make you shit your pants, if I can glean anything from our guard play.

-Kentucky is now losing big. I can really appreciate VMI’s coach for playing the time-out game well. Anytime the crowd really started getting into it there would be a quick time out. Sometimes the Mo’ carried through but it was a good way to protect his players. The guy is out of control, acting out (rather emphatically) what he wanted his players to do, but he is controlled and aware at all times. It’s like he almost brings a military-like precision to the game. Hmm…

- Post about Patterson again: Seeing him beside the 4 guys on the court under 6′3″ makes him look even more like a giant. Unfortunately, it is a giant that has to guard a shooting forward. He is fast for a big guy, but he isn’t fast for a small guy. He’s been game-planned and the low post double teams are rendering him useless.

-I swear to God the Cats are stoned. Anytime we score a basket, we run down the court and start talking or looking off somewhere, while an Army-trained basketball player stabs the knife of the three into the kidneys of our scoreboard.

-I black out. I have terrible nightmares about turnover-laden basketball and being outrebounded by midgets in camoflage. I wake up several hours later in my bed screaming but Auntie Em and Uncle Henry are there to assure me it was just a dream with a cup of cocoa and a pre-warmed crack pipe. Then I have to build a go-cart with a ocelot. I realize I’m still dreaming and wake up just in time to see the final score.

If someone could let me know what happened that would be great, I missed the second half.

Comparing Teams By The Numbers

Below is a side-by-side comparison of two current anonymous college football powerhouses that have a legitimate shot at, if not inside track to, the BCS National Championship game. I use the term “anonymous” loosely because if you really sit and think about how the numbers are laid out, you can figure out the two teams fairly quickly and that my lead to a personal bias. So don’t do that. Take an objective look at these numbers for victories only and realize how impressive both sides really are.

Weekly Margins Of Victory	Team A	Team B
1	25	46
2	16	23
3	36
4	42	24
5
6	30	31
7	6	30
8	18
9	42	58
10	6	39
11	36	28
Total Games	10	8
Total Points For/Against	479-232	355-76
Average Scores	47.900-23.200	44.375-9.500
Average Margin	24.7	34.875
# Of Ranked Opponents	3	2

Bold margins denotes games against ranked opponents.

The majority of each teams’ column is comprised of that week’s margin of victory as opposed to score just to mask the games some and to look at games in a more basic fashion. Team B is scoring nearly as much per game as is Team A — and against a similar number of ranked opponents — while allowing far fewer points on defense. Of course Team A has been more consistently good accounting for 10 games versus Team B’s 8.

Which is the better team between Team A and Team B? You decide. Is either team the best team in the Nation? Who knows. And will these two teams play in the BCS National Championship? Only time will tell.

Two things that are for certain, however, is that both teams are playing some of the best — if not THE best — football in the country right now and a lot has to happen before any of the above questions can be answered. But by that time, answering the above questions will be that much easier.

Either way, the comparisons are remarkable. College football at its best.

P.S. If you haven’t already figured it out yet, Team A is Texas Tech and Team B is Florida…but don’t tell anyone, it will be our little secret…

Charlie Hustle’s Quote Of The Day

Ed.’s Note: Once again, this gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

Regarding ESPN’s “The Talented Mr. Roto” Matthew Berry and this article: ESPN.com…

“He’s a fantasy football expert which officially puts him on the women attractiveness scale right below toll booth worker.  It’s like he meets some chick at the bar and when she politely asks him what he does for a living and he responds ‘Fantasy Football Expert,’ there is absolutely no follow up question given; the same confused look as if he said child rapist.”

Other Charlie Hustle Randmoness:

• Charlie Hustle’s Question Of The Day

Jared Lorenzen Has A Son?

I normally don’t post on things making rounds through the blogosphere (Ed. Note: with the exception of Allison Stokke) because by the time I find something, too many bloggers have already had something to say and probably said it better/funnier than I can.

That being said, I just couldn’t pass on this one.

Coming to us via Varsity 845 is the story of Ellenville (NY) Central High School senior quarterback Tony Casamento, who tips the scales at 305 pounds. Yes, their quarterback weighs as much as a college lineman.

Now I am not going to go on record making fun of this fatass because I think he has some sort of glandular problem or something; I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.

What I will point out is the striking resemblance young Tony has to former University of Kentucky quarterback Jared Lorenzen, who also topped out at well over 300 pounds during his food-destructing prime.

The inevitable comparisons have conjured up memories of Kentucky football seasons gone by, recalling such endearing Lorenzen nicknames as “The Hefty Lefty,” “Pillsbury Throwboy,” “The Round Mound Of Touchdown,” and “U.S.S. Lorenzen.”

Ah, those were the good ol’ days.

So to Casamento I say: If nobody else accepts you as a transpositioned quarterback (I know its tough feeling like one person stuck in the body of another), know that you have a home being a fat quarterback in Lexington.

We’ll even save the #22 jersey for you.

SEC Rankings - Election Week

After electing our first African-American president in Barack Obama and surviving an assassination attempt, I’m here once again to present to you the SEC Power Rankings for the week of November 2nd.

1. Alabama (Don’t expect these guys to fall off the top anytime soon. Of course, there’s a chance that LSU could beat the Tide in Baton Rouge as part of Nick Saban’s return to Death Valley.)

2. Florida (Looks to be a clear road for the Gators in quest for the SEC East crown. But Vanderbilt always seems to play the Gators close and could, if the football gods allow it, beat the Gators for the first time since 1988.)

3. South Carolina (Let it be shown that the Gamecocks got Fulmer fired, whether  or not you agree with the way it was done.)

4. Kentucky (Three straight bowl games, something that hasn’t happened in a long time, has the folks in Lexington beaming with glee.)

5. LSU (Your former coach is coming, men. How will you respond?)

6. Georgia (Blowout loss hurt Dawgs’ chances at SEC East crown.)

7. Ole Miss (Nutt is doing a great job turning the fortunes of the Rebel football program around.)

8. Vanderbilt (Bye week was needed for ‘Dores.)

9. Auburn (Tigers can still reach .500 in the SEC West.)

10. Arkansas (They deserved to be ranked higher than Tennessee.)

11. Tennessee (Remaining games are for pride, not for too much of anything else.)

12. Missississippi State (Basketball’s looking good these days in Starkville.)

My time’s up. You’ve been a great audience.

Change Has Come, So Let’s Get To Work

With the election over and done with, the new tasks that our sports world will take on as Barack Obama becomes this nation’s 44th president will be without question daunting.

Obama’s win will give hope and change to a huge following of Chicago Cub fans like Bob Swerski who believe with all their hearts that the Lovable Losers will win their first World Series in over a century.

Yes they can.

This win for America will give new meaning to success stories, stories like the 2008 Tampa Bay Rays, who went from perennial losers to World Series participants.

Yes they did.

The Memphis Tigers, the unwanted stepchild of the NCAA Tournament, are winners of three straight Conference-USA Championships, winners of a record-38 wins that earned them a berth in the NCAA title game proving that, although you’re in a so-called weak conference, you can achieve the impossible.

Yes they did.

Crichton’s volleyball team, who went from going 0-fer to being one of the best in the country this year, because of the talent that has been brought in with players like Kelsey Watson and sophomores Rachel Walton and Jasmine Vann.

Yes they can.

The Fresno State Bulldogs, who if not for Josh Hamilton and the Rays, would probably have been my pick for best baseball story of the year, beat the mighty Georgia Bulldogs to win the College World Series.

Yes they did.

There’s been so many stories in sports of change and hope this year, whether it was Josh Hamilton’s performance in the 2008 All-Star Home Run Derby to the redemption of Brad Lidge, who until the 2008 World Series was known for giving up El Hombre’s home run in the 2005 NLCS and Scott Posedneik’s walk-off in the World Series, was able to bounce back and record the final out of this year’s World Series.

True we do have haters of Obama as we do haters of this website you are reading now.

But all bullshit aside, we should put down our differences and unite as sport fans and Americans.

It doesn’t matter if you voted for McCain or Obama (as I did).

Because at the end of the day, we are all Americans.

Now that the change has come for our country, it’s time for us to get to work and make this country great for sports and democracy.

A Ransom Note

Hello, I have something that may be of interest to you. I know Matt will be interested. People have been looking for this for the last 9 weeks, and it was harder to find than the list of women Rex Grossman hasn’t banged. It’s called the Bengals’ season, and I have it in my custody. I hadn’t bought in to the hype, that the complete reversion to the Bungles days were back.

After Palmer went down, things looked downright dreadful and there were echos of the Yuccaneers’ winless season. I saw the 31st overall ranked offense and said,”they are bound to get better any week, they have the tools, they just aren’t putting it together”. But they didn’t and I finally bet on Cincinnati to suck against the Jaguars D.

Then I saw something strange happen on Saturday. Ryan “Fighting Crimson (no really!)” Fitzpatrick did a couple very convincing Mike Vick impersonations and was slinging it all over the field while still averaging less than 10 yards a pass. Chad Ocho Cinco started looking like Chad Johnson, and unsurprisingly started acting like him. They even tried to give the game away at the end, which saved my defensive points this week, yet still couldn’t lose the game. So what sort of bargaining chip do I have in order for this ransom note to be effective?

My fantasy team.

Why does any of this make sense? Because I’m like Neo. For fantasy football. But the other way. I suck at it, really bad, to the point where I have not finished above second to last place for the last two seasons. But mysteriously, as soon as I bank on the orange-and-blacks to suck, they go nuts. So my demands are simple: either Bengals fans pay me and I add defenses that are playing them, saving your season. Or I don’t play the opposing defense and you return to nauseatingly bad.

Maybe some of you will say “Gee, Zach, winning would be nice, but we want the #1 pick. We don’t want to win anymore”.

Bullshit.

I saw how you people got when they had one good year. You got worse than Massholes, when I heard an accent developing every time I listened to some over-privileged white kid bark, “Aye wuz heah since the fahkin staht. We ah the best fans evah!”.

So don’t give me that. You know you want this action, if only to make up for the arrests, suspensions, injuries, internal distractions, morally crushing injuries, and the cuts of two of the people that made up that 2005 team because they didn’t want to pay them out.

If you want to have some dignity, transfer eleventy billion dollars to:

Somefake Bank

Account #: 1234567

I await your reply.

Election Day Redux: If I Were President

Ed.’s Note: This piece first ran two days after the Super Bowl on “Super Tuesday” in February at the start of the Presidential campaigns.  Enjoy (hopefully) on this Election Day…

All of this Super Tuesday talk has really gotten me in the mood to talk politics.  Wait, who am I kidding?  I could careless about politics unless Boomer Esiason is running for the Oval Office; however, I do know what I would do if I were ever elected to office.

If I’m President…

• The Monday after the Super Bowl will be a National holiday. - How many of you took any time off of work this past Monday?  1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…wow, OK, let’s try this again.  How many of you WENT to work on Monday?  1…2…….5.  A total of five.  The five who went to work on Monday does not include yours truly.

• The White House will be repainted Kentucky blue and renamed accordingly. - GO BIG BLUE!

• The phrase “Play ball!” will be recited by everyone in the Chamber prior to the State of the Union Address. - Self explanatory.

• Every American citizen will get the first two days of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament off to “do their taxes.” - Let’s be honest, you already have your taxes e-filed with H&R Block software, and with direct deposit you’ll have your return before Valentine’s Day (and thank God because the old lady has REALLY been riding your ass this year) but upper management doesn’t have to know this.

• The Presidential safe-haven known as “Camp David” will be relocated to Sarasota, Florida in February and March. - It will also be renamed “Reds’ Spring Training.”

• All state-side National Hockey League teams will be relocated to Canada.  Permanently. - If I could have ever followed that damn puck on television, the NHL might have stood more of a chance.  Sorry guys, but it’s nothing personal.

• All East-coast ESPN offices will be relocated to the West Coast.  Permanently. -  We’re all tired of hearing about the New England Patriots, the Duke Blue Devils, and Big Ten football.  Sorry guys, but it’s likely personal.

• Congress will be comprised of the winning teams of the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the NBA Finals, along with the winners of the Master’s Tournament, the Indianapolis 500, the Daytona 500, and the Kentucky Derby — the horse, not the jockey. - These athletes are likely more recognizable than anyone ACTUALLY in Congress now and most of them could probably make better decisions as well — the horse included.

• September 2nd will be a National Day of Remembrance. - It’s Adolph Rupp’s birthday.  It’s the least you can do.

• Instead of “Carbon Offsets” for corporations there will be “Dick Vitale Offsets.” - And ESPN will have to buy a whole hell of a lot of them if they ever want to hear Dickie V. talk again.

• And finally: Ric Flair will be my Vice President, Billy Gillispie will be my Chief of Staff, Pete Rose will be my Secretary of the Treasury, Ken Griffey Junior will be my Secretary of Defense, Rich Brooks will be my director of F.E.M.A. (for rebuilding), Chad Johnson will be my Press Secretary, and Erin Andrews will be my First Lady. - Need I say more?

SEC Rankings - Week 9

So after another long week here in the Volunteer State, except here in West Tennessee where the University of Memphis beat a punch-less Southern Miss team and lost another quarterback, I am back to present to you the SEC Power Rankings for the week of October 26th.

1. Alabama (No sign of collapse in Tide Nation, but the LSU game is still looming for Saban’s boys.)

2. Florida (During the basketball season, Vanderbilt handed the Wildcats their worst SEC loss ever. Eight months later, the Gators put a similar stomping on Kentucky and is now trying to make their case for Atlanta on Saturday when they face Georgia in Jacksonville.)

3. Georgia (If those two girls in that picture had played for LSU last weekend, do you think Georgia would have gotten out of Death Valley alive? Judging from that picture, probably not.)

4. South Carolina (According to our friends at Gate21.com, who also run a SEC Power Ranking column, the Gamecocks are 5th heading into tomorrow’s game against Tennessee. With LSU losing like they did against Georgia and the possibility that the Gamecocks could play themselves into the SEC East race if they win against the Vols, 4th is a safe ranking for the time being.)

5. LSU (At least they have the Alabama game to look forward to.)

6. Kentucky (One more win and Matt’s boys will be Bowl-eligible. Thankfully, one of those wins could come this weekend when they face Mississippi State and those annoying-ass cowbells.)

7. Ole Miss (Where would this bunch be today if Coach “O” was roaming the sidelines?)

8. Vanderbilt (I wonder if my old friend Kasi can rub her belly for a sixth win for the ‘Dores. Heck, it worked in 2006.)

9. Auburn (The Tigers made a visit to my friends at the Interstate Blood Bank on North Cleveland Street to get some offensive help. Let’s see can they salvage the season with their new-found offense.)

10. Arkansas (We beat LSU last season because of you, Coach Nutt!!!! Now we get embarrassed because of Bobby P.)

11. Tennessee (This just in, Crichton SGA President Quitta Williams has been named head coach of the Volunteers. Only qualification is that her former neighbor is a former classmate of current Vol Ellix Wilson.)

12. Mississippi State (No comment, please.)

My time is up. If you’re in the Memphis area, come see me perform at Republic Coffee located at 2924 Walnut Grove Road in the Binghampton neighborhood every Tuesday night.

Quest For Perfection

The “Mike Brown Urinal Target” coming to a Greater Cincinnati truck stop near you!

The Cincinnati Bungles (henceforth they are to be known only as the “Cincinnati Bungles” until further notice) maintained their quest for perfection on Sunday falling to the Houston Texans 35-6 and in doing so appeared to be, quite possibly, the worst football team in the history of teams. Now the Bungles being shitty is not a new phenomenon — obviously — and at the core of the problem is an 18 year long festering boil that needed to be lanced a long time ago in the form of the tenure of Mike Brown.

Now I’ve thought long and hard on how to verbalize the central issue plaguing the Cincinnati Bungles and how I am relatively sure that it is an unsolvable problem outside of the commissioner of the NFL, Der Fuhrer Goodell, stepping in at some point on the grounds of competitive balance and/or obligation to the fans of Cincinnati.

In the past I have targeted many topics as the basis for the Bungles’ weaknesses:

• The Bungles’ failed NFL draft shenanigans: A Walk Down Memory Lane, April 17, 2007
• Cincinnati’s incomparable number of legal issues: Cincinnati Criminals, May 23, 2007
• And even their front office frugality: Striving For Mediocrity, January 13, 2008

What I have come to realize is that the issue cannot be narrowed down to one particular culprit and the problem is, however, very deeply rooted in the culture of the organization starting at the very top and reaching deep in to the annals of Paul Brown Stadium.

However, on the surface the problem can be best described by a three-pronged explanation:

1. Front Office Failure: Cincinnati is one of (I believe) only three teams that operates without a general manager (and thus the owner is the de facto GM) — with the other two teams being the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders — and it is clear that owner Mike Brown knows little-to-nothing about evaluating football talent. If Mr. Brown was a football genius or he was willing to constantly throw as much money in to the team as needed to field a winner, I would have no problem with this. Obviously, however, neither are the case when it comes to Cincinnati. The Bungles also employ the lowest number of scouts and executives of any team in the NFL.
2. Keeping It In The Family: Nepotism is certainly not something that Mike Brown can deny since some of his top executives consist of his brother Pete, daughter Katie (Blackburn), son-in-law Troy Blackburn, and son Paul. The rest of the organization is comprised mainly of a host of characters that have befriended Mikey along the way and thus have found themselves in good favor with the organization. The culture will never change if the most important personnel’s ideology never changes and instead only continues to proliferate within the same family.
3. Bungalization: This may be the hardest to explain but also may be the most detrimental issue at the same time. If it ever appears that there is some sort of curse on the Bungles that is because there is…kind of. I call it the “Bungalization” of players. This means, simply, that either consciously or subconsciously players on the Bungles have bought in to the historical deficiencies of the franchise, as well as their inability to win and win often while in Cincinnati. This effect then shows in the on-field performances without anybody fully realizing that these players are not playing to what their full potential might be with another team, thus giving off the appearance that the Bungles are “cursed.” It is the reciprocal to the reason that the New England Patriots can get more out of an aging player when other teams have left their career for dead. Bungalization then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a self-perpetuating problem in a never ending vicious cycle.

Taking all issues in to account, the three-pronged explanation is the best attempt at condensing the Bungles woes in to three paragraphs but it still doesn’t operationalize everything that is wrong with the franchise. I don’t think that I have failed to fully explain myself but I do believe that a video circling YouTube (and courtesy of The Meaningful Collateral) better explains the subject in a manner that is easier to visualize:

This is the best description of what is ailing this franchise and it comes in the form of a brilliant four minute video. Things may or may not change in Cincinnati with another failed season, unfortunately more likely the latter, but perpetual hope that something will be done to turn things around is the lone driving force that keeps me coming back each season.

But for the time being at least we can see exactly why the current Cincinnati Bungles are on their quest for perfection this season.

What Penn State Means To The Big 10

The game that occurred Saturday night between the two juggernauts of the Big 10 was football the way it was meant to be played…in the 1930’s. Even with 280+ (pfft!) yards of total offense from both sides the only trip the endzone was a 1 yard run by Penn State’s sophomore backup QB Pat Devlin with 6:25 left in the fourth quarter. But the victory was secured and Penn State’s national title hopes are alive. But what does this mean in the grand scheme of the national title hunt, and by proximity, the perception of the Big 10?

Both of the teams ranked ahead of Penn State (#1Texas, Big 12 & #2 Alabama, SEC) are facing tough weeks against ranked opponents and, beyond that, a conference championship if they can get there. The likelihood that one of them will lose over the course of that time is far greater than State, thus putting the Fighting Paterno’s in a position to slide into the National Championship game while having rested since November 22^nd. Aside from the extra prep time, it will give them more opportunities to scout the potential competition and will possibly give them the winning edge.

But who are we kidding? Every time a Big 10 team gets to the National Championship they get cut down like baby mice under a lawnmower. Not that I haven’t enjoyed seeing Ohio State get crushed the last two years (I enjoy it a little more when that happens, I think), but it is time the Big 10 sends another challenger forward to try to capture the crystal oblong. But do the Lions of Nittany have anything to offer that could improve their odds of bringing the ‘W’ home?

For the last several years, OSU has put forward a team of similar blueprint: talented but largely overrated quarterback with a huge arm, one solid receiver and one solid tailback, all cushioned by a generally effective defense. Then they get to the National Championship game against a team of NFL prospects who have cut their teeth on quality teams throughout conference play. You know how the rest of it goes (And how sweet it is!). But we can only hope in the mythical world where one of the top two teams lose late and Penn State holds out against the Michigan State Javon Ringers, that State can bring at least something resembling a game to the table. With three receivers in the neighborhood of 30 catches and a QB that is 3^rd on the team in rush attempts, you have to admit that the blueprint is very different and should pose more of a problem for defenses of either conference. Even a competitive game could prove to a national audience that the Big 10 can produce something besides the crap cake that it has made itself appear to be.

A Friend Of The Site Is Joining The Site

Exciting news for me is a long-time friend of mine and a long-time friend of the site will be joining us with his insights. This comes at a perfect time with the college and NFL football seasons in full force, college basketball season just around the corner, and my conscientious effort to return to blogging.  You will know him as ZRO and he’s as much of an avid Kentucky Wildcats as I am so now there’s not one, but two of us.  You’ve been warned.  Other items of interest for my man ZRO are lacrosse, MILFs, late-night walks on white, sandy beaches, and beer — so he’ll fit right in around here.

ZRO has a lot on his mind and I am confident that you will not only enjoy what he has to say but find that his thoughts incite a high-quality level of discussion and debate.  ZRO’s first post will drop in the very near future so look forward to that and get excited about what is to come.  If you can’t get excited about what is going on around here these days you may want to check your pulse (or maybe even consider Viagra).

Mike Hamilton, Please End The Nightmare

Dear Mike Hamilton,

I am writing this letter as a disgruntled sports fan, foremost a Tennessean.

For 17 years, Coach Phil Fulmer has patrolled the sidelines at Neyland Stadium and whether you like him or not, has coached the Volunteers to two overall SEC Championships, five outright SEC East Division Championships, and most importantly, a National Championship in 1998.

He’s coached players like Peyton Manning, Peerless Price, Robert Meachem, Casey Clausen, Erik Ainge, Tee Martin, Gerald Riggs, Ellix Wilson (I went to grade school with him), Cedric Wilson, Al Wilson, Todd Helton, and countless others to bowl games as well as burgeoning NFL careers.

But in the high-stakes world of college football in 2008, I, along with the numerous friends I know that are Vol fans, believe that you, Mike Hamilton, as athletic director of the state’s flagship school can end this nightmare by getting rid of Fat Boy Fulmer.

Look at the facts. The Vols, in the ten years since that glorious season when it seemed as if they could do no wrong, has been stagnant in their success.

Since 1998, the Volunteers have gone to three SEC Championship Games and lost them all, most notably the 2001 SEC title game in which the Volunteers were heavily favored and lost to an upstart LSU team that was then coached by Nick Saban.

So in one night, Mr. Hamilton, the Vols went from BCS contenders to the 2002 Citrus Bowl, where they would beat Michigan 45-17.

Then you have the 2005 season in which the Vols would go from #3 to not being mentioned at all, capped by a loss to Vanderbilt — a team that, as I write this, is one win away from being bowl eligible this year — behind the arm of then quarterback Jay Cutler at Neyland Stadium.

It’s one thing to lose big to Alabama on the same night that your university honors the 1998 National Championship team, but on a crisp and clear November day three years ago how could your coach lose at home to a school that is more focused on producing scientists than football talent?

Answer that, Mr. Hamilton.

From what I understand, your former employer Clemson University, a school steeped in football tradition got rid of Tommy Bowden this season after going 17 years without an ACC Championship.

Certainly (and this comes from a guy who may or may not told Lloyd Carr that the game was passing him by on this same blog last football season) you can read this letter and do us Tennesseans all a big favor by ending what has been a nightmarish season in Knoxville and across the state.

From what my experts tell me, Dyersburg native Bradley Greer might be your best choice for head coach.

At least he knows how to motivate.

Yours for minimum wage and beer,

SGA Senator Doc Hancock

Charlie Hustle’s Question Of The Day

Ed.’s Note: This gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

What was the biggest reason for Sunday’s 35-6 loss at houston?

A) Marvin is an Exstacy addict and always seems too happy.

B) Mike Brown is secretly down $10 million to his bookie.

C) Ryan Fitzpatrick is Akili Smith in white face.

D) Paul Brown’s ghost hates black coaches.

Bone To Pick

I have a bone to pick and I am going to talk about it right now.

You see, I have been in many debates regarding the best college football conference in America (I say it is the Big 12 right now, contrary to what many might guess when they think of me).  Now I need to note that I have been in these arguments against my own will because I am the type of guy that doesn’t give a shit.  I worry about Kentucky (and whatever is best for Kentucky) and that is about it.  I don’t have an opinion about much of anything else in life, especially the Big Ten conference (hell, I am not even a voter….*gasp*).

Regardless, there are people in my life who are Ohio State fans and thus they are Big Ten fans (aren’t there eleven teams in that conference?) who insist on debating with me on the best college football conference in America, the Big Ten or the SEC…(even though I don’t want to debate and I still say the Big 12 right now), as well as arguing the general shaft Ohio State apparently gets in the media, the rankings, etcetera.

The first argument I have heard is that with Beanie Wells, the Ohio State versus Southern California game would’ve been a whole different game (apparently one that wasn’t a blowout).  Well you know what, with last years offense, this year’s Kentucky defense would be undefeated.  Unfortunately Woodson and Company aren’t here anymore and that is just part of the game; a team has to adapt to what they do and don’t have.  Excuses are like assholes, everyone has got one but they all stink.

The second argument I have heard came two weeks ago when the new college football rankings came out and Texas Tech was ranked higher than an Ohio State team that had been recently embarrassed by USC this season…and LSU a year ago…and, oh yeah, Florida two years ago.  A certain friend of mine could not believe that Texas Tech was ranked higher than Ohio State.  Why did he/she feel this way?  Because he/she applied the same type of stereotype to Texas Tech (that they aren’t a historically good team) that most top 25 poll voters apply to their entire voting repertoire: if you were good 20 years ago, you’re good now and if you’re not a member of the college football elite, you don’t stand a chance.

Oh, by the way, Texas Tech beat #23 Kansas 63-21 today…

The third argument isn’t so much as an argument as it is just me ranting.  Watch this week’s Georgia versus LSU game and then watch this week’s Penn State versus Ohio State game and get a real grasp on the snooze fest that Big Ten football presents.  3-3 at Halftime?  Come. On.

To me, Ohio State fans are like the annoying WWE superstar who won’t admit defeat even when he loses a cage match to The Undertaker for the championship at WrestleMania.  They’re a “never-say-die” species no matter what the outcome is.  And yes, I agree, there is something to be said about perpetual support but there is also a fine line between what is realistic and what is simply annoying as all hell.

It may just be me but I have a strong desire for humility in all aspects of life and it often seems to me that Ohio State fans (and many other teams’ fans — I am looking at you, Kentucky basketball fanatics) not only lack the modesty that is required to be successful in college football but they also expect to be represented highly by the rankings, regardless of what happens on the field.

I realize that I am more pessimistic about my teams than most people are; however, what can you expect from a guy who has dealt with the futility of Kentucky football and the Cincinnati Reds as well as the obsurdity of the Cincinnati Bengals?

All that it takes to be a tolerable fan is to have some self-awareness about your team as well as legitimate expectations regarding results, rankings, and the media.

Except for the Bengals, they don’t deserve the time of day.

Someone Forgot To Tell Kentucky They Had A Game Today

Discuss this article now over at ACC vs. SEC!: Someone Forgot To Tell Kentucky They Had A Game Today

The last time the University of Kentucky Wildcats were ran out of a football stadium it was a 49-0 loss on the road to LSU during the 2006 season.  At that moment the Cats were 3-4 and at an impasse, if you will, on the season, forced to dig deep in order to recover.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Kentucky decided to finish strong, going 5-1 in their remaining six gamest including a victory over Clemson in the Music City Bowl, the Wildcats’ first Bowl game in seven years (at the time) and first Bowl victory since 1984.

Fast forward to 2008.  After an electrifying, albeit very late, 13 point comeback in the final five minutes of last week’s game against Arkansas, the Cats looked poised to turn their season around with quarterback Mike Hartline’s new found confidence — he did, after all, earn an ESPN helmet sticker for his two touchdown passes in the final four minutes against the Razorbacks.

Today, Kentucky took their 5-2 squad and 7th ranked scoring defense in to The Swamp to take on the mighty Florida Gators team that hung 51 points on the road against the same school that last dismantled my Wildcats.  The problem is someone forgot to tell Kentucky they had a game today.

Florida scored 28 points in the first 12 minutes of the game — including two one-play touchdown drives on the heels of back-to-back blocked punts of Kentucky’s Tim Masthay.  Trust me, it didn’t get any prettier after that.  Add another blocked kick in the form of a Lones Seiber field goal attempt to go along with a Mike Hartline interception returned for a touchdown to start the Second Half and you have yourself the ingredients for a world class blowout.

Throw in some other random plays that were probably poorly defended (sorry for the lack of detail but I just couldn’t bear to watch) and you have a final score of 63-5 with a special thanks going to Florida punter Chas Henry for the botched punt that nearly doubled our score with a safety late in the 4th Quarter.  We needed all the help we could get.

After today’s embarrassing loss — coming two years to the month after the aforementioned spanking at the hands of LSU — many fans may be asking: where do we go from here?

Contrary to what some my expect, I am going to leave the crucifying to another blogger and go out on a limb and say that rest assured, Kentucky can still go up;  the wheels haven’t fallen off just yet.  Coach Brooks still has this team in a much better position now than it was when he inherited it in 2003 and anyone who disagrees can look directly at the recruiting classes between 2002 and 2009 (not to mention those two Music City Bowl victories he has lying around).

According to Scout.com, the 2002 recruiting class for the University of Kentucky contained 1 4-star, 1 3-star, and 17 1-star recruits.  In contrast, Brooks’ current class of 2009 high school graduates is comprised of 1 5-star, 1 4-star, 11 3-stars, 5 2-stars recruits, and only 1 1-star recruit, good enough for the 23rd best recruiting class in the Nation.

Unfortunately some reading this will say that the 2009 class cannot help us now and they’d be 100% correct.  But this blogger is not giving up on what the Wildcats still have on the field this year, understanding that there is a lot of talent that is no longer on the field thanks to injuries — most notably ones of the season-ending variety to super play makers Dicky Lyons, Jr. and Derrick Locke.

Kentucky is just a mere win away from being Bowl eligible for the third straight year and if the Wildcats can manage to squeak in to post-season play this season, it will be the first time since the Paul “Bear” Bryant era of the 1950s that this team has gone to three straight Bowl games, adding to the history the Rich Brooks-led Wildcats have already made.

At the end of the day Big Blue Nation never expected to beat Florida today, let alone win the National Championship this year, but what fans of Kentucky did expect is another Bowl appearance and another Bowl victory and both are still well within reach and that is what is most important, especially for recruiting.

Nevermind today’s loss; what is done is done and fans need to quickly move on because a loss by 58 and a loss by less than 8 are both still losses.  As embarrassed as I am by today’s performance, as many Big Blue fans are, we must implore the team to press on and come home from Starkville with a victory next week, setting the table for a three game stretch that includes Georgia and Tennessee with (hopefully) Bowl eligibility already in hand.

Despite the fact that the first exhibition basketball game is just 12 days from today, I urge the Wildcat faithful to not look towards basketball season too quickly.  Granted someone forgot to tell Kentucky they had a game today but I am confident that it won’t happen again.

Not, at least, with what is on the line for the Cats over the next four games: making history.

Bengal Astrology Points To Cincy Upset

Yes, I realize just 24 hours ago I wrote off the Bengals and left them for dead.  Literally.  And no, I am not going back on my word — I really do think that Cincinnati has solidified their future of futility.  Howev